RECEIVED THIS IN AN EMAIL TODAY 3/31/2011 AND THOUGHT I SHOULD KEEP IT AND TRY TO READ IT EVERY DAY...SINCE I CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND WHY JARRETT ISN'T HERE.

When God takes something from your 
grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to 
receive something better.

3/31/2011...IT'S NOW BEEN 27 MONTHS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. HOW TIME FLIES. YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON SEEING YOUR LITTLE NIECE GROW UP. SHE'S ALREADY 16 MONTHS OLD (TOMORROW). SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE-LITTLE.

     TODAY IS ALSO YOUR BEST FRIEND LANCE'S BIRTHDAY~HIS 3RD ONE WITHOUT HIS BEST FRIEND HERE TO GO OUT AND CELEBRATE WITH. I'M SURE YOU TWO WOULD HAVE HAD A BLAST....IF ONLY YOU WERE HERE.

     THAT'S THE PROBLEM~YOU'RE NOT. CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT AND IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. (ESPECIALLY SINCE THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF LOUSY PEOPLE OUT THERE STILL ROAMING LOOSE)...GUESS GOD DOESN'T WANT 'EM EITHER!

     SURE WISH YOU'D COME VISIT.

     MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY!

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

3/19/2011...TODAY IS THE 3RD ANNUAL MOTORCYCLE RIDE. SINCE THERE'S ONLY ONE SOURCE OF INCOME, I HAVE TO WORK AND YOUR DADDY IS GOING TO BE AT THE BEGINNING TO SEE 'EM OFF AND I'LL JOIN HIM AT THE FINISH. THEY ARE PLANNING ON STOPPING AT THE FIRE STATIONS THIS YEAR AND END UP AT THE SAME LOCATION AS LAST YEAR: ACOUSTIC CAFE.  
     THERE WERE ABOUT 115 BIKES THIS YEAR AND THEY RAISED $3180.00 TO DONATE TO THE SHRINERS TO HELP BURN VICTOMS.  
     A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF THOSE WHO PARTICIPATED AND TO ALL THE COMPANIES WHO DONATED ITEMS TO BE GIVEN AWAY.  
     MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY.
     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA
    

              

3/9/2011...IT'S BEEN 798 DAYS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. YOUR BROTHER CALLED AND TOLD US THAT HE GOT A MESSAGE THAT THE SENATE HAS PASSED THE ''JARRETT LITTLE ACT''~SENATE BILL 155.

     WE STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THE SENATOR HIMSELF (THE ONE WHO CO-SIGNED THE BILL THAT DENIED US (AND OTHER PARENTS) OF THEIR CHILDS BENEFIT PACKAGE). HE'S AVOIDED ALL OF YOUR DADDY'S PHONE CALLS AND YOUR DADDY EVEN RELAYED A MESSAGE TO HAVE HIM CALL YOUR DADDY AND STILL NOTHING.

     GUESS HE "KNOWS" HE DONE WRONG. ESPECIALLY LYING TO US TO OUR FACE WAS THE FIRST WRONG MOVE THAT HE MADE. NOT A GOOD THING TO DO IN THE EYES OF VOTERS.

     THOUGH, HE SAID THAT HE WOULD ''RIGHT'' THIS WRONG AND HE HAS KEPT THE ATTEMPT ALIVE DURING SESSION TIME. 

     NOW, IT'S UP TO THE HOUSE AND THEN IT'LL GO TO THE GOVERNORS DESK. THAT'S WHO'S GOING TO HAVE THE LAST SAY IN THIS.

     THE BOTTOM LINE IS: IT NOT ONLY EFFECTED JARRETT~IT'S NOW EFFECTING ALL THE OTHER ''SINGLE'' STATE OF GA. EMPLOYEES WHO ARE SINGLE THAT ARE BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST BY THIS BILL THAT WAS PASSED, SIGNED INTO LAW AND TOOK EFFECT ON JULY 1ST,2008.

     MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY!

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT   ALWAYS, MAMA

    

3/8/2011...IT'S NOW BEEN 797 DAYS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. I CRIED TODAY JUST THINKING OF HOW THE INSURANCE MAN GAVE ME A PHONE CALL AND ASKED TO SPEAK TO YOU.

     I HAD TO TELL HIM THAT YOU WERE A FIREFIGHTER AND YOU HAD RUN YOUR LAST CALL. HE ASKED IF IT WOULD BE OK TO TALK AND I YELLED~TELLING HIM THAT IT'S NEVER GOING TO BE A GOOD TIME TO TALK.

     A FEW DAYS LATER WE RECEIVED A SYMPATHY CARD IN THE MAIL FROM HIM...HE APOLOGIZED AND DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET ME. WE LATER FOUND OUT THAT HE NO LONGER WORKS WITH THE INSURANCE COMPANY.

     I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW OTHER MOTHERS DO IT. I WILL VISIT OTHER MEMORIAL SITES AND READ AND JUST FEEL THE PAIN AND HURT THAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH~BECAUSE I TOO AM GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME PAIN...I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW THEY HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR/LONG.

     I WILL READ WHAT OTHER MOTHERS WRITE AND REALIZE THAT I AM NOW IN THEIR SHOES AND HAVE TO WALK THE SAME PATH THAT THEY HAVE. THERE'S NOTHING EASY ABOUT IT!

     THERE'S SOMETHING THERE THAT I JUST CAN'T GET A HOLD OF~I CAN'T TURN LOOSE AND LET GO. I'LL READ WHERE THEY TELL THEIR LOVED ONE TO "FLY FREE" AND YET I WONDER HOW THEY CAN DO THAT. IT'S LIKE ''LETTING GO'' AND I JUST CAN'T DO THAT! I CAN'T LET GO! 

     I COULDN'T GIVE UP ANY OF YOUR SHIRTS~SO I SENT ONE OF MINE IN IT'S PLACE FOR MY AUNT TO MAKE YOUR LIFELINK QUILT SQUARE OUT OF IT. SHE'S GOING TO PUT YOUR PICTURE ON IT (THAT WAY IT'LL HAVE BOTH A PART OF ME AND YOU ON IT). I HOPE IT TURNS OUT BETTER THAN WHAT I'M THINKING IT WILL. OF COURSE I KNOW I'LL CRY WHEN I SEE IT. IT'LL PROBABLY TAKE ME ANOTHER 2 YRS. TO SEND IT FOR 'EM TO EVEN ADD IT TO THEIR QUILT. IT'S JUST SO HARD TO TURN LOOSE OF ANYTHING...ANYTHING THAT IS YOURS OR THAT YOU EVEN HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH.

     I MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY AND WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

3/3/2011...IT'S NOW BEEN 2 YRS. / 2 MONTHS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. BEEN OFF THIS WEEK BECAUSE WE'VE BOTH BEEN SICK AND WANT TO GET BETTER BEFORE GOING BACK TO WORK.
     I DONE A LITTLE CLEANING TODAY AND FOUND A PIECE OF PAPER THAT BELONGED TO YOU. HAD YOUR HANDWRITING AND SOME INFORMATION THAT YOU WROTE ABOUT YOURSELF.
     IT WAS FUNNY/NICE TO SIT AND READ~YET, SAD AT THE SAME TIME. KNOWING THAT WE'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE YOU ENJOY SOME OF THOSE THINGS THAT YOU LISTED AS ''YOUR FAVORITES'' AND HOW YOU WOULD AVOID ALL THOSE THAT WERE YOUR ''LEAST FAVORITE''.  
     CAME ACROSS A MOTHER'S DAY CARD FROM YOUR BROTHER AND IT HITS HOME~I'M NOT GOING TO RECEIVE "2" CARDS LIKE I USE TO ANY MORE. THOSE DAYS HAVE COME AND GONE AND I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT STILL BE MAD...AT GOD.
     EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE DOING WHAT YOU LOVED DOING~IT'S STILL IN THE BACK OF MY MIND-IT WAS GOD'S CHOICE TO KILL YOU. 
     I ONLY KNOW THAT IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME A LONG TIME...A VERY LONG TIME...TO NOT BLAME HIM. FOR RIGHT NOW, ALL I CAN SEE AND UNDERSTAND IS THAT I'VE GOT WHAT'S LEFT OF MY LIFETIME TO LIVE IT WITHOUT BOTH MY BOYS AND TO ALWAYS BE ''ACTING'' AS IF I'M HAPPY WHEN IT COMES TO FUTURE GATHERINGS AND GET TOGETHERS.
     IT'S NOT A GOOD FEELING TO HAVE TO DO THAT. BUT, THAT'S WHAT SEEMS TO GET OTHER PEOPLE BY...WITH US BEING IN A ROOM TOGETHER OR AT A GATHERING-IF THEY SEE US LAUGHING AND SMILING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.
     ONLY A SELECT FEW HAVE NOTICED THAT WE AREN'T THE SAME AS WE ONCE WERE. ONLY A FEW HAVE KEPT US IN THEIR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. 
     THAT'S OK........I THINK I'VE COME TO ACCEPT WHAT OTHER MOTHERS HAVE WRITTEN TO THEIR CHILDREN: IT'S ONE DAY CLOSER TO BEING WITH YOU. 
     THOUGH I'M SURE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FORGIVE GOD FIRST BEFORE HE LETS ME "IN"...TO WHICH I'M WORKING ON IT...IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING THAT FAST.
     MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY~
     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA    
    

2/11/2011...IT'S BEEN 772 DAYS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. TODAY IS OUR 27TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY AND THE 3RD ONE THAT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE TO ''BE HERE''. HOW IT'S BECOME ''JUST ANOTHER DAY''...IT JUST DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME FEELING TO IT.

     SURE WISH YOU WERE HERE. HOW I WISH THAT EACH AND EVERY DAY.

     MISS YOU!

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS,MAMA

2/9/2011...STATE OF GA.'S DOT'S NEW PROPOSAL FOR ROADSIDE MARKERS FOR YOUR LOVED ONES

 

 

1/21/2011...WELL IT'S NOW BEEN 750 DAYS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.

     YOUR DADDY JUST TOLD ME THAT YOUR BROTHER IS MOVING TO A BRAND NEW FIRE STATION. NO MORE THAN HE TOLD ME THAT-THE TEARS STARTED FLOWING.

     IT BROUGHT BACK MEMORIES OF YOU BEING AT YOUR NEW STATION AND HOW WE WENT TO VISIT YOU, TO CHECK IT OUT AND SPENT THE AFTERNOON WITH YOU AND YOUR CO-WORKERS.

     HOW IT BROUGHT BACK THE MEMORIES OF JUST HOW YOUR FIRST DAY THERE ENDED AND JUST WHAT WE ARE HAVING TO LIVE WITH EACH AND EVERY DAY~NOW.

     I KNOW THAT HE'S ALL EXCITED TO BE GOING TO A NEW STATION AND STARTING OUT WITH ALL NEW EQUIPMENT...BUT THE MOTHER IN ME WILL NOW WORRY UNTIL HIS SHIFT ENDS AND HE GOES HOME TO HIS GIRLS.

     I HAVE FLASH BACKS OF THINGS THAT PEOPLE HAVE SAID AND THEN THE NIGHT OF YOUR LAST CALL. 

     A CO-WORKER ONCE ASKED ME: BECKY~DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT JARRETT AND YOUR OTHER SON GOING INTO BURNING BUILDINGS AND FIGHTING FIRE? I SAID ''NO''...THAT YA'LL TRAIN EVERY WEEK AND THEN YA'LL GO DOWN TO FORSYTH FOR A WEEK OR SO AND TRAIN AND I KNEW THAT YA'LL WOULD HAVE EACH OTHERS BACK (WHILE BEING AT THE SAME STATION AND ON THE SAME CALL).

     SHE WAS LATER INVOLVED IN A CAR WRECK HERSELF AND YOU JUST SO HAPPENED TO COME UPON THE WRECK. SHE SAID THAT YOU WERE SO CALM AND THAT YOU CALMED HER DOWN TO WHERE SHE COULD DO WHAT SHE NEEDED TO DO AND THAT'S WHEN SHE REALIZED THAT YOU WERE DOING WHAT YOU LOVED AND ENJOYED DOING~HELPING OTHER PEOPLE.

     THAT'S WHAT I'VE GOT TO TRY TO REMEMBER. ALTHOUGH IT COMES IN SMALL DOSES...I DO KNOW THAT YOU WERE DOING WHAT YOU LOVED AND ENJOYED AND I'VE GOT TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THAT. 

     IT'S JUST HARDER WHEN IT'S ''YOU'' HAVING TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT INSTEAD OF IT BEING SOMEONE ELSE! BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT WE WERE NEVER TAUGHT THAT YOUR KIDS CAN PASS AWAY BEFORE YOU.

 

I MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY!

 

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

1/10/2011...WELL, THIS YEAR IS STARTING OFF TO BE ALMOST LIKE LAST YEAR. WE JUST GOT OUR FIRST SNOW FOR THIS YEAR...SO FAR, IT'S SNOWED 6 INCHES DURING THE NIGHT. IT ONLY SNOWED 4 ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

     YOUR BROTHER DECIDED TO GET UP DURING THE NIGHT AND HEAD ON INTO WORK...PROTECT HIM WHILE HE WORKS TODAY AND HAS TO BE OUT IN IT TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE. MAKE SURE THAT HE GETS BACK HOME TO HIS GIRLS.

     MISSING YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY!

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

1/5/2011...IT'S BEEN 734 DAYS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.  I GOT TO THINKING ABOUT THE 31ST AND HOW YOUR BFF'S DIDN'T VISIT YOUR WEBSITE AND LIGHT A CANDLE TO SHOW THAT THEY THOUGHT OF YOU. 

     I DID GET A PHONE CALL...THOUGH, I MISSED IT.  HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOUR OTHER BFF...

     WITH THAT SAID...I GUESS YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU'D SEND ME "A SIGN".  I HAVEN'T BEEN GOOD AT PICKING UP ON THESE ''SIGNS'' THAT OTHER PEOPLE TALK ABOUT...BUT TODAY - WHILE THINKING THAT ABOUT YOUR BFF'S...SOMEONE ELSE CAME UP TO ME WHILE I WAS AT THE GAS STATION.

     NOW, YOU WILL HAVE TO PICTURE THIS:  I'M IN JARRETT'S MAIL JEEP AND IT'S RAINING.  I'VE GOT THE GAS GOING IN AND I'M WASHING THE BACK WINDOW OF THE MAIL JEEP.  SEEING ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE WALKING BY AND I KNOW THAT THEY'RE THINKING THAT I'M CRAZY FOR WASHING MY WINDOW WHEN IT'S RAINING OUT THERE.

     WHAT THEY DON'T SEE OR UNDERSTAND IS~I'M REALLY WASHING THE WINDOW TO CLEAN YOUR WINDOW DECAL.  I DO IT EVERY TIME I STOP AND GET GAS. 

     AS I WAS DOING THAT, A GUY WALKS UP AND SAYS THAT IT'S A PLEASURE TO KNOW ME.  I SEE THAT HE'S WEARING A FIRE HAT AND I ASK IF HE KNEW SEAN...SINCE IT WAS FROM THE SAME COUNTY AS SEAN'S.  HE SAID NO...HE KNEW YOU. 

     I ASKED WHICH STATION HE WAS AT AND HE TOLD ME AND SAID THAT HE ISN'T THERE ANYMORE...AFTER YOU ~ AND HE ADDED THAT HE HAD TO DO A LITTLE SOUL SEARCHING AND NEEDED TO FIND OUT WHY HE MISSED DOING WHAT HE HAD BEEN DOING...AND HAS DECIDED TO GO BACK TO BEING A FIRE FIGHTER. 

     I TOLD HIM THAT NOT EVERYONE IS CUT OUT FOR IT AND THAT IF YOU WERE HERE - YOU'D STILL BE DOING IT.  THAT YOU LOVED WHAT YOU WERE DOING AND WE HAVE TO KEEP THINKING OF THAT.  AT THE SAME TIME - I'M CRYING...

     I TOLD HIM THAT IT HELPS TO HEAR PEOPLE SPEAK YOUR NAME BECAUSE IT LETS US KNOW THAT THEY ARE THINKING OF YOU AND REMEMBER YOU.  HE SAID THAT YOU WON'T BE FORGOTTEN.

     HE ALSO SAID THAT HE KNEW THAT WHEN YOU PULLED UP IN ENGINE 8...HE DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.  HE SAID THAT THERE'S NOTHING MORE SCARY THAN TO GO ON A HOUSE FIRE WITH ONLY 1 OTHER PERSON.  ONE PERSON HAS TO STAY WITH THE TRUCK AND PUMP THE LINE AND GET THE WATER FLOWING AND THE OTHER...IS HAVING TO FIGHT THE FIRE - WITH NO ONE WATCHING OR HAVING YOUR BACK!

     HE SAID HE KNEW THAT WHEN YOU PULLED UP - HE WAS ALRIGHT.

     SO, I GUESS THAT WAS "MY SIGN" TO LET ME KNOW THAT THERE ARE OTHER FRIENDS THAT ARE THINKING OF YOU WHEN WE THINK THAT THE ONE'S THAT WERE CLOSEST TO YOU AREN'T. 

     HOW I WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE!  YOU ARE MISSING SOOOOO MUCH. 

     YOUR LITTLE NIECE~SHE'S SOOOO PRETTY AND HAS YOUR BROTHERS~EVERYTHING!  SHE IS A FEMALE VERSION OF HIM!  WE NOW KNOW WHAT A LITTLE GIRL WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE HAD WE HAD ONE. 

     MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY!

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

      

12/31/2010 It's officially been 2 years now. It honestly still feel like yesterday that I talked to you and saw you on Christmas. I remember watching you help open Tyler's gifts with him. And you not wanting to hold Gage because you weren't feeling good that day and didn't want to get him sick. I wish you had held him! You never got to! And you never will get to... not physically! I still remember where I was when I found out what happened to you. You Dad had called and talked to Doug, Doug could barely understand him. I had just walked back into my friends house when Doug stopped me in the middle of the room. He told me what happened and I just stood there... in shock! I barely remember getting in the car, Doug had to put Gage in his car seat... I couldn't do it. Our friends offered to watch Tyler... we didn't want him to see you like that. I don't remember the car trip to the hospital and we drove all the way from Hixson area. The only part I remember was being stopped at a police check point as we got off the Cloud Springs Road exit and told him where we were going. He just let us go. The next thing I remember is seeing your Brother walking through the parking lot of the hospital and giving him a hug. Jarrett! I miss you!!! And I'm sorry I never said Thank You enough!! I still feel bad about that to this day!! And it will haunt me the rest of my life! I wish you were here to enjoy your family! And for them to enjoy you!! You're an amazing person and it's unfair you were taken so young! I love you so much and I hope you are resting peacefully in Heaven!! You deserve it! XOXOXO Nicki

12/31/2010...IT'S NOW BEEN 2 YRS. SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND IT~NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TRY.

 

MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY! WISH YOU WERE STILL HERE~

 

 

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

12/29/2010...IT'S BEEN 2 YRS. TONIGHT SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL~AS FAR AS ''DAYS'' GO...SINCE IT HAPPENED ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT. THOUGH, IT'LL BE 2 YRS. ON THE 31ST~AS FAR AS ''DATES'' GO.

     SO MANY THINGS HAVE CHANGED WHILE OTHER THINGS HAVE JUST  HAPPENED AS PART OF EVERY DAY LIFE AND ALL THE WHILE-SO MANY THOUGHTS HAVE RUN THROUGH MY HEAD. IT'S BEEN AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER RIDE AND I'VE OFTEN WONDERED IF I'M EVER REALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO LIVE THROUGH THIS FROM YEAR TO YEAR.

     YOU GO FROM BEING IN SHOCK~WHICH SEEMS TO LAST FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE FIRST YEAR...A FULL 365 DAYS-WHICH REALLY HAVE NO MORE MEANING TO 'EM. THEN THERE'S TIME. WHAT'S THAT??? WE NO LONGER WEAR WATCHES.

     EVERYTHING IS SUCH A BLURR AND YOU JUST CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ANYMORE. YOU CAN'T CONCENTRATE LIKE YOU ONCE DID. YOU CAN NO LONGER DO TWO THINGS AT ONCE~MULTI-TASKING IS OUT OF THE PICTURE. TO BEING MAD AT GOD, TO DISBELIEF, TO NOT BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE REASON WHY THIS HAS HAPPENED, TO WANTING TO KNOW WHY THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR FAMILY~ON A DAILY BASIS, TO THINKING THAT YOU'RE OK~WHEN IN FACT...YOU'RE REALLY NOT. YOU'RE STILL IN DENIAL AND YOU JUST CAN'T ACCEPT THAT YOU'VE LOST A CHILD AND ALL THE HOPES AND DREAMS THAT YOU ONCE HAD FOR THEM ARE NOW GONE~FOREVER!  F - O - R - E - V - E - R !!!  YOU WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO SEE OR WATCH THEM GROW TO THEIR FULL POTENTIAL.

     YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW OTHER PEOPLE CONTINUE TO LIVE THEIR LIVES AND NOT SEE THAT YOU ARE SUFFERING AND LIVING WITH THIS PAIN ON A 24/7 BASIS. YOU LOOK AT THINGS MUCH DIFFERENTLY. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE IN A GLASS BUBBLE AND YOU SEE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE GOING ON LIKE NORMAL AND NOW...YOU'RE IN THIS NEW WORLD AND IT'S NOT NORMAL~THE NORMAL THAT YOU ONCE KNEW. YOU NOW HAVE A NEW NORMAL AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT DAY BY DAY IN ORDER TO ''GO ON''. YOU BECOME NUMB. NUMB TO EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE.

     IT'S NOT FAIR TO YOU OR THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY. YOU CONTINUE TO WONDER WHY.  WISH AND WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE AND YET THERE'S SOMETHING THAT TELLS YOU THAT IT'S NOT GOING TO COME TRUE...NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU WISH FOR IT.

     I RELIVE THAT NIGHT OVER AND OVER. HOW WE WERE JUST AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND TALKING OF YOU AND YOUR BROTHER. HOW  YA'LL LOVED WHAT YOU BOTH DID. HOW IT ALL STARTED AND THAT YOU WERE WORKING THAT NIGHT. HOW WE JUST HAD LEFT YOUR STATION...THAT YOUR DADDY HAD BEEN THERE FOR MOST OF THE DAY, BEING RIGHT THERE WITH YOU-RIGHT BESIDE YOU. HE CAME HOME JUST BEFORE I GOT OFF WORK AND WHEN I FOUND OUT WHERE HE HAD BEEN-WELL, I WANTED TO GO AND SEE YOU AND YOUR NEW FIRE STATION.

     WE GOT THERE AND YOU ALL WERE STILL CLEANING AND SO WE JUST ROLLED UP OUR SLEEVES AND PITCHED IN TOO. I HELPED COOK YA'LL'S SUPPER AND YOU WOULDN'T LET ME HELP CLEAN THE DISHES UP BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT IT WAS ''YOUR JOB'' TO DO THAT PART.

     IT STILL BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES WHEN I THINK ABOUT WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS AND GETTING READY TO LEAVE AND WALK OUT THE DOOR-WHEN I REALIZED THAT IT WAS NEW YEAR'S EVE AND I WANTED TO WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR AND GIVE YOU A KISS, TAPPING YOU ON YOUR BUTT JUST BEFORE LEAVING AND TELLING YOU THAT I LOVE YOU.

     THAT WAS MY LAST - EVERYTHING - TO YOU, WITH YOU AND FOR YOU THAT I WAS EVER GOING TO HAVE.

     HOW COULD THIS BE???  IT'S NOT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN THIS WAY. NO PARENT IS SUPPOSE TO OUT LIVE THEIR CHILDREN.

     I MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY!  YOU JUST HAVE NO IDEA~

 

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

     

 

12/27/2010...725 DAYS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

12/26/2010...IT'S THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS, BUT WE ARE HAVING OUR CHRISTMAS TODAY. YOUR BROTHER WORKED YESTERDAY AND YOU WATCHED OVER HIM TO MAKE SURE THAT HE COULD BE HERE TODAY WITH US AND BRING HIS FAMILY OVER HERE TO HAVE OUR CHRISTMAS TOGETHER.

     YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED SEEING YOUR LITTLE NIECE OPEN HER GIFTS.

JUST THE LOOK ON HER FACE-THE EXPRESSIONS-THEY ARE SOOOO FUNNY. I TRY TO CAPTURE 'EM WITH THE CAMERA-BUT, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK. THEY COME OUT BLURRED...WHICH I THEN TRY TO RE-TAKE ANOTHER ONE BUT, THEY TOO TURN OUT BLURRED. 

     THE BIGGEST GIFT WAS A PINK CHENILLE ROCKING CHAIR WITH AN OTTOMAN. WE ACTUALLY BOUGHT IT LAST YEAR AND SAVED IT FOR THIS YEAR. WE FIGURED THAT SHE WILL GET IN THE ''POUTING'' STAGE AND I'VE CALLED IT HER POUTING CHAIR. 

     SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL~THEY ARE REALLY GOING TO HAVE THEIR HANDS FULL WHEN SHE GETS OLDER AND I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST HER DADDY TO NOT LET HER DATE UNTIL SHE REACHES THE AGE OF 18 OR MAYBE EVEN 20. I'M SERIOUS! HE WOULD PROBABLY EVEN FOLLOW HER IF HE DID LET HER GO OUT BEFORE THAT AGE!

     HE SAID THAT HE HOPES THAT HE CAN REMEMBER TO BE THE PARENT THAT WE WERE / ARE WHEN SHE REACHES HIS AGE...WE TOOK THAT AS A COMPLIMENT AND HOPE THAT WE GET TO SEE THAT.

     AS YOU KNOW-I HAD MY KNEE SURGERY 12/21 AND I'VE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SIT HERE AT THE COMPUTER FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME LIGHT CANDLES OR TO WORK ON YOUR SITE...THOUGH, I HAD TO WRITE DOWN A FEW THINGS FROM THE PAST 2 DAYS.

     WE MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY AND TIME DOESN'T HEAL A BROKEN HEART. IT STILL FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY THAT YOU WERE HERE AND GETTING READY FOR WORK.

     WHAT WE DON'T GET TO SEE OR HEAR ANYMORE IS WHAT ''OTHERS'' TAKE FOR GRANITE...YOUR VOICE, YOUR LAUGH, YOUR SMILE, YOUR BLUE EYES, YOUR WALKING REALLY FAST FROM YOUR BEDROOM TO THE FRONT DOOR TO GO ON A CALL, YOU DROPPING WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING TO GO ON ''THAT'' CALL, YOU GOING UP THE HILL IN YOUR TRUCK, YOU COMING DOWN THE HILL IN YOUR TRUCK, COMING IN THE FRONT DOOR AND DROPPING YOUR GEAR OFF IN FRONT OF THE WOOD STOVE, YOU CALLING YOUR DADDY TO ASK FOR A FAVOR, YOU CALLING ME TO CHECK TO SEE WHAT'S FOR SUPPER, YOU SENDING A BIRTHDAY TEXT OR A FUNNY TEXT, YOU CALLING YOUR BROTHER AND JUST TALKING (WE WOULD OVER HEAR YOU), YOU LAYING ON YOUR BED TYPING ON THE COMPUTER DOING WHATEVER IT WAS YOU NEEDED TO DO-EITHER FOR YOURSELF OR FOR US (SINCE WE HAD NO CLUE HOW TO DO THINGS ON A COMPUTER), YOU WORKING 2 OR 3 JOBS AT A TIME IN ORDER TO HELP YOUR FRIENDS OUT WHO WERE IN NEED OF EITHER MONEY,FOOD,OR CLOTHES...YOU GAVE IT! 

     NOW, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO REST. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT GOD SEE'S IT FIT TO TAKE YOU AT THE AGE OF 24 AND LEAVE THE REST OF US HERE TO SUFFER. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT-YET.

     PEOPLE CONTINUE TO TRY TO ''GIVE ME MY SIGN''...I'M REALLY TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND SEE WHAT I'M SUPPOSE TO BE SEEING, BUT SO FAR...I'M JUST NOT SEEING WHY HE TOOK YOU BEFORE US.

     YOU REST AND JUST KEEP A WATCH OVER US AND MAKE SURE THAT YOUR BROTHER IS SAFE WHILE HE'S WORKING. I DON'T THINK I CAN GO THROUGH LOSING HIM TOO. I WOULD REALLY BE PISSED OFF AT GOD THEN!

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

    

12/25/2010...IT'S CHRISTMAS AND YOU'RE NOT HERE. IT'S OUR 2ND CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU AND IT DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER. I DON'T KNOW WHERE PEOPLE CAME UP WITH THAT SAYING~BUT, THEY'RE WRONG.

     IT SNOWED ABOUT 4 INCHES AND WE COULDN'T MAKE IT TO YOUR BILLBOARD. I WOULD HAVE USED THE CRUTCHES - BUT, SAFETY FIRST.

     YOU MUST HAVE BEEN WATCHING OVER YOUR BROTHER WHILE HE WORKED...HE HAD TO DRIVE AND THE FIRE TRUCK WAS SLIDING BACKWARDS AND HEADING FOR THE DITCH. 

     HE USED EVERY MUSCLE THAT HE HAD IN HIS LEGS...AND YOU KNOW HOW BIG HIS LEGS ARE!!  HE'S SORE TODAY! HE CAN BARELY WALK WITHOUT BEING IN PAIN.

     THANK YOU FOR TAKING CARE OF HIM AND MAKING SURE THAT EVERYTHING WORKED OUT. HE GOT IT BACK DOWN ON LEVEL GROUND AND EVERYONE IS FINE. A JOB WELL DONE!

     WE MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY!

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

12/22/2010...IT'S NOW BEEN 23 MONTHS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. I THINK OF IT EVERY DAY. TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT...WHAT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH-MENTALLY-YOURSELF. HAVING TO MAKE A SUDDEN DECISION THAT COST YOU YOUR LIFE...NOT KNOWING THAT-AT THE TIME-I'M SURE.

     I HAD MY KNEE SURGERY YESTERDAY WITH THE HOPE THAT I WOULD GET TO ''SEE'' YOU WHILE I WAS ''UNDER''...DIDN'T HAPPEN. I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED. I STILL FEEL LIKE I'M BEING PUNISHED FOR SOME REASON. WHY I DON'T GET TO HAVE VISITS FROM YOU ANYMORE.  I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

     I KEEPING HANGING ON TO THAT ''HOPE''~ HOPING TO SEE YOU EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO TO SLEEP...TO ONLY WAKE UP AND NOT A VISIT DOESN'T MAKE FOR A GOOD WAY TO START THE NEXT DAY.

     SINCE I CAN NO LONGER GET THE ''WISH'' THAT I WISH FOR-FOR CHRISTMAS OR ANY OTHER DAY~I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR GETTING ANY VISIT FROM YOU WHENEVER YOU CAN COME.

     YOU JUST HAVE NO CLUE AS TO WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE ''THAT'' VISIT. HOWEVER LONG OR SHORT THAT IT MAY BE. WHAT EVER HAPPENS DURING THAT VISIT...WE MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT AT THE TIME...BUT THE END RESULT IS THE SAME~IT'S MADE A MOTHER HAPPY.

     I MISS YOU EACH & EVERY DAY!

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAY, MAMA

12/18/2010...TODAY IS GAGE'S 2ND BIRTHDAY. YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT JUST HOW BIG HE IS~HE'S A MESS! YOUR ANGIE CAME UP TO SPEND A FEW DAYS HERE AND THEN SHE'S ON HER WAY TO SEE HER MOM. SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO STAY LONG~SHE HAS TO GET BACK TO WORK.

     IT'S A TIME TO WHICH EVERYONE IS SUPPOSE TO BE HAPPY TO BE WITH FAMILY AND ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY. IT'S STILL HARD TO DO THAT WHEN YOUR ''WHOLE'' FAMILY ISN'T TOGETHER.

     WE DO TRY TO ATTEND MOST OF THESE GATHERINGS AND HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH EVERYONE~BUT, DEEP DOWN...THERE'S THAT EMPTY FEELING~THE HOLE THAT CAN'T OR WON'T BE FILLED BY NO OTHER PERSON.

     WE MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY! WISHING YOU WERE HERE TO SEE AND ENJOY ALL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND WHAT ALL THAT IS GOING ON AROUND US.

 

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA