WELL, IT'S NOW THAT DREADED DAY...10 YRS. LATER AND SO MUCH HAS CHANGED. I COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT IT, BUT RIGHT AT THE TIME I DON'T THINK THAT I SHOULD. I HATE BEING HERE AND WISH I WERE THERE WOULD SUM IT ALL UP. I'M STILL IN LIMBO AND NUMB AS WELL. THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO "GO AWAY" FOR ME...

BUT ON A BETTER NOTE: YOUR BFF AND FAMILY CAME OVER YESTERDAY TO SPEND THE DAY WITH US AND TO INTRODUCE US TO HER YOUNGEST LITTLE GIRL. SHE NOW HAS 2 GIRLS ~ JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER. I THINK YOU WOULD HAVE HAD A GOOD TIME WITH 'EM ALL YESTERDAY. YOUR BROTHER STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE AND PLAYED WITH 'EM ALL. TYLER AND GAGE WERE HERE AS WELL. IT WAS NICE TO HAVE 'EM HERE. M1 AND M2 HAD FUN MEETING AND MAKING FRIENDS WITH ANGIE'S 2 GIRLS. WE SENT HER HOME WITH A CAR FULL OF CLOTHES. I HOPE THEY CAN GET SOME KIND OF USE OUT OF 'EM. 

I WAS HOPING THE WE COULD DO THE SKY LANTERN'S SINCE WE DIDN'T GET TO LAST YEAR. THE WEATHER JUST WASN'T COOPERATING AND WE HAVE TO BE SAFE ABOUT IT. IF YOU WERE HERE ~ WELL...WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW WOULD WE?  

I HOPE THAT YOU ARE HAPPY IN HEAVEN. I'M SAFELY ASSUMING YOU ARE. WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A VISIT FROM YOU...AS SOON AS YOU CAN COME VISIT. IN MY PAST DREAMS WHEN YOU'VE COME TO VISIT, YOU LOOK GOOD AND HAPPY. I HAVE TO WRITE 'EM DOWN SO I CAN REMEMBER 'EM. IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE YOU VISITED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TAKES SO LONG FOR YOU TO COME, BUT, I SURE WISH YOU'D COME MORE OFTEN.

AS ALWAYS, WE LOVE AND MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY. I STILL WISH YOU WERE HERE. YOU'RE MISSING SO MUCH WITH YOUR NIECES' AND I DO THINK YOU'D SPOIL 'EM ROTTEN.  DO WHAT YOU CAN FROM HEAVEN THOUGH.  

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA 

WELL, IT'S NOW BEEN 9YRS. SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.  I JUST MESSED UP ON WHAT I HAD TYPED AND I DELETED IT.  NOTHING NEW!!  I JUST CAN'T CATCH A FREAKING BREAK!!  I'M SOOO  SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING!  I'VE HAD THE WORST YEAR EVER!  NOTHING...I MEAN NOTHING...HAS GONE RIGHT ALL FREAKING YEAR!  I'VE BEEN AWFUL TO YOUR DAD, TO WHICH YOU KNOW...HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT.  

I CAN'T THINK RIGHT AT THE TIME.....BUT, WE DO PLAN ON LIGHTING AND RELEASING THOSE PAPER CANDLE / BALLOON THINGS.  I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY ARE CALLED.  THAT'S ANOTHER THING.  I CAN'T DO LIKE I USE TO.  I'M GOING DOWN HILL - FAST.  CAN'T WAIT TO DIE - BASICALLY.  

I DO HOPE THAT YOU ARE OK AND ARE HAPPY IN HEAVEN.  WE LOVE AND MISS YOU.  LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA XO

UPDATE...THE PAPER CANDLE / BALLOON THINGS ARE CALLED:  SKY LANTERNS

WELL........IT'S NOW BEEN 8YRS. SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.  WHERE HAS TIME GONE?  I JUST WROTE YOUR BFF ANGIE (EMAILED) AND TOLD HER THAT IT'S STILL LIKE IT WAS "YESTERDAY" THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED TO US.  THAT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND IS THAT IT'S STILL ''FRESH'' TO US.  NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS HAVE PASSED, IT'S STILL ''FRESH'' TO US AND THOSE TO WHOM IT HAS EFFECTED - PERSONALLY. 

THE ONE THING THAT KEEPS REPEATING IN MY MIND IS WHEN I WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM FROM BEING WITH YOU IS THAT I TURNED TO NICKI AND SAID:  HOW ARE WE GOING TO TELL TYLER?  THAT JUST PLAYS OVER AND OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD.  NO ONE KNOWS IT AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS IT.  LIFE HAS GONE ON AND HAS MOVED ON FOR THEM, BUT FOR US....WE'RE IN LIMBO.  EVEN THOUGH WE DO, WE GO, WE WORK, ETC., WE ARE IN LIMBO.  AT LEAST I AM.  I'M PRETTY MUCH....NUMB.   

I MENTALLY KNOW THAT I CAN'T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED AND I HAVE TO SOMEHOW COME TO TERMS WITH THAT.  I HAVE EASED UP ON BEING MAD AT GOD.  DON'T GET ME WRONG, I STILL BLAME HIM....I'M JUST NOT AS MAD AT HIM TODAY AS I WAS THEN.  

STILL WISH YOU WERE HERE TO BE ABLE TO SEE AND WATCH YOUR 2 NIECES GROW UP.  THEY ARE A HOOT.  THEY HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR BROTHER'S ROOM...IT'S WALL TO WALL ''GIRL'' THINGS.  YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.  YOU'D SPOIL 'EM - I DO BELIEVE.   

HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO WATCH OVER AND PROTECT 'EM FROM HEAVEN.  DO WHAT YOU CAN......

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ~ ALWAYS, MAMA  

WELL, IT'S GOING ON 8YRS. SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.  I'VE BEEN TRYING TO KEEP MY MIND BUSY AND SO, WITH THAT, ME AND YOUR DADDY HAVE BEEN CLEANING THE HOUSE AND CHANGING THE FURNITURE AROUND.  IT'S JUST SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT IT'S GOING ON 8YRS. SINCE WE'VE ACTUALLY SEEN YOU ~ ALIVE ~.........

WHILE CLEANING IN OUR ROOM, I FOUND SOMETHING THAT YOU HAD FILLED OUT IN YOUR OWN HANDWRITING.  I MUST HAVE FOUND IT ''AFTER YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL'', BECAUSE IT WAS INSIDE A NOTEBOOK OF MINE. 

SOOOO....YOU WERE 19 YRS. OLD AT THE TIME THAT YOU WROTE THIS INFORMATION DOWN.  IT WAS FUNNY TO READ (AGAIN).......

YOUR FAVORITE:                                                     YOUR LEAST FAVORITE:
   FOOD:  PIZZA                                                           FOOD:  BROCCOLI
   COLOR:  BLUE                                                           COLOR:  PURPLE
   SPORT:  SOCCER                                                       SPORT:  TENNIS
   ANIMAL: CAT                                                            ANIMAL:  SNAKE AND SQUIRREL
   COOKIE:  WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP                             COOKIE:  OREO
   DESSERT: RED VELVET CAKE                                      DESSERT:  COCONUT CAKE
   ICE CREAM:  VANILLA                                                 ICE CREAM:  CHOCOLATE
   CANDY BAR:  ZERO                                                    CANDY BAR:  SNIKERS
   HOLIDAY:  BOTH THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS        HOLIDAY:  YOU LEFT THIS ONE BLANK.....
   MOVIE:  BACKDRAFT                                                  MOVIE:  YOU LEFT THIS ONE BLANK TOO....
   THING ABOUT "YOU":  YOUR EYES                              THING ABOUT "YOU": TOO SLIM 

ANYWAY.......THERE'S MORE, BUT I JUST THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS FUNNY TO READ AND THINK ABOUT.  THE FUNNIEST ONE IS:  THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT "YOU"....YOU WROTE THAT YOU WERE TOO SLIM.  REALLY??? WHO THINKS THAT?  IT WAS FUNNY THOUGH.  

ALL THIS JUST MAKES US WANT YOU HERE EVEN MORE.  NO MATTER WHAT.  WE KNOW THAT YOU WON'T BE COMING BACK AND WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT TO ''BE WITH YOU''.  IT'S JUST THE TIME IN BETWEEN THAT'S REALLY KILLING ME.  SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME A BETTER PERSON, DO GOOD THINGS AND SO ON.  I CAN'T GET MY MIND TO MOVE FORWARD....I'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND HEART ISSUES.  I'M FALLING APART AND WELL......I'M JUST HERE.  THAT'S ABOUT IT.  

UNTIL WE GET THERE......
LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA

I WISH......YOU WERE HERE

I WISH I HAD DONE A FEW THINGS DIFFERENT IN RAISING YOU BOYS

I WISH I HAD WRITTEN THINGS DOWN THAT I NOW KNOW THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER

I WISH I HAD MORE TIME WITH YOU

I WISH I HAD SAID "I LOVE YOU'' MORE OFTEN (TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU KNEW)

I WISH......YOU WERE HERE

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA XO

  

A PICTURE OF YOUR BFF'S TATTOO.  IT REPRESENTS HER 2 GIRLS, HER MARRIAGE, THEIR FAITH AND THE ROSE ~ IS FOR YOU. 

WISH YOU WERE HERE! LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA

                                         CATHEDRAL WINDOW QUILT

WELL...IT'S NOW BEEN 6YRS. SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. MENTALLY~NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I STILL THINK OF YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY, STILL CRY AS WELL. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED AND OUR FAMILY HAS CHANGED IN WAYS THAT NO ONE EVER EXPECTED. NO ONE (WHO HASN'T LOST A CHILD) FULLY UNDERSTANDS JUST WHAT THE WHOLE FAMILY GOES THROUGH. NOT ONLY DID WE LOSE A SON, BUT OUR YOUNGEST SON LOST HIS BROTHER...HIS BIG BROTHER...THE ONE~THE ONLY BROTHER THAT HE CALLED "BROTHER" AND NEVER BY YOUR GIVEN NAME. TO BE HONEST, I THINK HE'S ONLY SAID YOUR NAME "JARRETT" ABOUT A HANDFULL OF TIMES. IF PEOPLE ONLY KNEW. Y'ALL WERE TO BE HERE TOGETHER AND WE WERE GOING TO LIVE WITH EACH OF YOU (IN OUR OLDEN YEARS-WHEN WE GOT OLD AND DECREPED) FOR 6 MONTHS EACH. HOW THAT HAS CHANGED NOW. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. IT'S NOW ALL GOING TO FALL ON YOUR BROTHER. HE HAS ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH IN HIS OWN LIFE, LET ALONE, HAVE TO DEAL WITH US WHEN WE GET OLD...IF WE MAKE IT.

WE DECIDED TO START IN ON CLEANING YOUR ROOM~TODAY. I'VE DECIDED THAT I'M GOING TO MAKE A BLANKET OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES. IT'S GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME, AS I'LL HAVE TO DO IT IN MY SPARE TIME...WHICH ISN'T MUCH. IF I'D BEEN STRONG ENOUGH 6YRS. AGO, I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE IT FINISHED NOW...BUT, I JUST COULDN'T THINK / CONCENTRATE / DO MORE THAN WAS ASKED OF ME FOR THE FIRST 3 YRS. THEN, MAMA (GRANNY) HAD A STROKE AND I ENDED UP HAVING TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE OVER / GET THE POA AND DO FOR HER. THAT IN ITSELF STRESSED ME OUT AS WELL. IT'S A WONDER I DIDN'T HAVE A STROKE OR DIE FROM IT ALL. I HAVE SINCE HAD TO PUT HER IN A NURSING HOME~LONG TERM. SHE'S BETTER OFF...JUST WISH SHE COULD COMMUNICATE WITH THE OTHER RESIDENTS.

I SURE WISH YOU WERE HERE! IT JUST ISN'T THE SAME AND WE'RE STILL HAVING TO TAKE IT DAY BY DAY. DOING THINGS PHYSICALLY ISN'T THE ISSUE ~ IT'S MENTALLY. PEOPLE WANT YOU TO BE "OVER IT" / "THROUGH IT" / "DEALT WITH IT"....IT'S JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE OR EASY. THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE REMINDERS WHICH IN TURN TRIGGERS THE MIND / MEMORIES AND THEN THE TEARS FALL. SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS, BUT FOR THE MOST PART...I'M JUST HERE. WOULDN'T MIND BEING THERE...BUT, IT WOULD LEAVE YOUR DADDY IN A WORLD-OF-MESS.

SO, UNTIL IT'S OUR TIME....TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND WATCH OVER YOUR BROTHER. MAKE SURE HE GETS TO COME HOME TO HIS GIRLS ON HIS DAYS TO WORK AND JUST KNOW THAT WE ALL LOVE AND MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY.

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA

 WELL...IT'S NOW BEEN 6YRS. SINCE WE HAD CHRISTMAS AS A WHOLE FAMILY. WHERE HAS TIME GONE??? IT REALLY DOES FEEL LIKE YESTERDAY SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.
EVERY YEAR ~ NOTHING CHANGES...MENTALLY. I TRY...BUT, IT DOESN'T WORK. MY HEART IS BROKEN AND THAT'S THAT.
STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IT'S GOING ON 6 YRS. SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. NEXT WEEK...HOW I NOW KEEP UP WITH DATE RELATED THINGS, THE NUMBER 24, YOUR BIRTHDAY MONTH ~ HOW EACH NUMBER TRIGGERS A MEMORY AND THE MENTAL THOUGHTS START.
I JUST WISH YOU WERE HERE TO SEE / BE WITH YOUR BROTHER WHEN HE NEEDS HIS "BROTHER". OTHER FAMILY MEMEBERS HAVE THEIR SIBLING(S) AND YET, YOUR BROTHER HAS BEEN LEFT WITHOUT HIS BROTHER. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT GOD WAS THINKING OR WHAT HIS PLANS WERE FOR YOU ON DEC. 31ST, 2008. IT ONLY CHANGED OUR FAMILY IN A NEGATIVE WAY. NOTHING HAS GONE RIGHT EVER SINCE. NOTHING!
HOPE YOU HAD A MERRY CHRISTMAS. STILL WISH YOU WERE HERE!
LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA

WISH YOU WERE HERE INSTEAD! LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA

IT'S NOW BEEN 5YRS.,3 MO'S, 3 WKS. AND 4 DAYS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. HOW IT STILL DOESN'T SEEM REAL...YET, AT THE SAME TIME ~ THE FLASH BACK MEMORIES OF THAT NIGHT STILL RUN THROUGH MY HEAD, DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY. HOW I WISH YOU WERE HERE! WE ALL DO.

YOUR DADDY'S BIRTHDAY IS COMING AND EVEN THOUGH OUR BIRTHDAYS AREN'T THE SAME ANY MORE, THEY DO COME...AND WHEN I LIT THE CANDLE ASKING YOU TO COME VISIT YOUR DADDY FOR HIS BIRTHDAY ~ THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A HUG AND EVEN A KISS....IT BROUGHT UP THE MEMORY OF WHEN YOU'D COME INTO OUR BEDROOM TO LET US KNOW THAT YOU GOT BACK FROM A CALL ''OK''........YOU'D SNEAK IN....ON HIS SIDE....GRAB / REACH FOR HIS ARMS AND HOLD 'EM DOWN SO HE WOULDN'T HIT YOU ...AFTERALL....YOU WERE WAKING HIM UP OUT OF A DEEP SLEEP.  YOU JUST WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW HE MISSES THAT. 

COME VISIT YOUR BROTHER TOO. HOPE YOU RECOGNIZE HIM. HE'S LOST ALMOST A 100 LBS.  HE'S GETTING A DIVORCE. IT'S TAKEN A TOLE ON HIM.  HE SAYS THAT HE'S ''OK''....BUT, I CAN SEE............

MISS YOU.  LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA

IT'S BEEN 5YRS. 2 MONTHS, 2 WKS. AND 2 DAYS SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL. STILL...SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT IT'S BEEN THAT LONG ALREADY. YET, IT STILL SEEMS LIKE IT HAPPENED JUST YESTERDAY. NOT A DAY GOES BY WITHOUT THINKING AND RETHINKING OF THE DAY AND NIGHT OF YOUR ACCIDENT. WHICH IS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME THAT I'VE CALLED IT THAT. I'VE ALWAYS REFERRED TO IT AS: YOU HAVING RUN YOUR LAST CALL. I FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE WITH SAYING THAT THAN SAYING: YOUR ACCIDENT. 

I WAS TALKING TO A CUSTOMER THE OTHER DAY AND HE JUST LOST HIS WIFE. HE SAYS THAT HE TALKS TO HER EVERY DAY AND WHEN I MENTIONED THAT I KNOW AND UNDERSTAND WHAT HE MEANS.  I POINTED TO MY JEEP AND SAID THAT I DO THE SAME WITH MY JARRETT. I TOLD HIM THAT YOU WERE THE FIREFIGHTER THAN RAN YOUR LAST CALL ON NEW YEARS EVE 2008. IT'S BEEN 5YRS, 2 MONTHS AND 2 WKS. THAT I FULLY UNDERSTAND ~ YET IT'S NOT THE SAME. IT BEING HIS WIFE THAT PASSED AWAY AND YOU BEING MY SON. 

I KNOW THE FEELING OF FEELING LIKE YOU'RE ALL ALONE AND THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. THAT EVERYONE TREATS YOU DIFFERENT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED. YOU'VE JUST HAD SOMETHING TRAGICALLY HAPPENED TO YOU AND YET, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ALL ALONE, YET KNOWING THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE GONE THROUGH THE SAME THING. IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME ANY MORE. NOTHING DOES. NO MATTER WHAT WE DO OR HOW HARD WE TRY TO MAKE OURSELVES FEEL THE WAY WE USE TO...IT'S NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME AGAIN.

OUR LIVES HAVE FOREVER CHANGED AND IT KEEPS CHANGING WITH EVERY DAY THAT WE ARE HERE AND YOU ARE THERE. WE MISS YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY. THOUGH I SAY THAT I PROBABLY MISS YOU THE MOST, BUT WITH THE THINGS THAT YOUR BROTHER IS GOING THROUGH ~ I WOULD SAY THAT HE'S THE ONE WHO MISSES HIS BROTHER THE MOST. I HATE THAT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR HIM. I CAN'T FIX "THIS" FOR HIM. I CAN ONLY BE THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE NEEDS ME. AS WITH YOUR DADDY.

TOMORROW IS YOUR MOTORCYCLE BENEFIT RIDE.  (MARCH 15TH, 2014).  THE MONEY WILL GO TO: ST.JUDE'S CHILDRENS HOSPITAL THIS YEAR.  I LIKE THE FACT THAT I CAN CHANGE IT UP EVERY YEAR AS TO WHO RECIEVES THE MONEY RAISED.  THAT WAY, IT CAN BE SPREAD AROUND TO DIFFERENT ORGANIZATIONS AND NOT JUST 1 IN PARTICULAR. 

MISS YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY.  LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ~ ALWAYS, MAMA

WELL....I JUST HAD A DREAM WHERE YOU CAME TO VISIT. IT WAS A SHORT VISIT AND A SHORT DREAM WITH YOU IN IT. I CAN SAY THAT I DIDN'T LIKE THIS ONE AT ALL!

ME,YOUR DADDY AND SEAN WERE AT BEST JEWELERS SHOPPING AND YOU POPPED IN TO ASK WHY YOU WEREN'T GETTING ANY OF YOUR MAIL. YOU SAID THAT SO & SO WAS GETTING THEIR MAIL AND I TOLD YOU THAT THEY HAD BEEN THERE A WHILE AND PROBABLY TURNED IN A FORWARD. THAT YOU WOULD NEED TO DO THE SAME AND AS SOON AS I SAID THAT ~ YOU WERE GONE. 

I'M IN TEARS, BECAUSE WITH THAT ~ TURNING IN A FORWARD (A CHANGE OF ADDRESS CARD) MEANS IT'S A PERMANENT MOVE. OF COURSE, I WOKE UP CRYING.

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT~ALWAYS, MAMA