7/5/2010...TOMORROW IS YOUR BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY.  HE WILL BE THE AGE YOU NEVER GOT TO BE HERE ON EARTH.  WE WERE BEGINNING TO THINK THAT THE NUMBER ''24'' IS JINXED.  HE WILL BE 25.  HE'S AT WORK RIGHT NOW AND OUT ON A CALL ~ WATCH OVER HIM AND MAKE SURE HE GETS TO TURN 25.  THANK YOU MY JARRETT.

     AS WE WERE AT THE LAKE HOUSE, WE WENT FOR A RIDE TO LITTLE RIVER AND PARKED THE PONTOON BOAT.  WHEN I NOTICED A FEW LITTLE FLAT ROCKS ~ I STARTED PICKING 'EM UP.  IT TOOK LONGER TO FIND ''THE RIGHT ONE'S'', THAN IT DID TO GET 'EM & TAKE BACK TO THE BOAT.

     I'LL MAKE A LITTLE ANGEL ROCK GARDEN ONCE I CLEAN 'EM UP AND GET THE RIGHT PAINT. 

     HAD A COUPLE AT THE LAKE HOUSE WHO JUST "DON'T KNOW HOW WE DO IT" ~ WE TOLD 'EM IT'S A "DAY TO DAY'' THING.  WE HAVE TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.  YOUR DADDY TOLD 'EM THAT I STILL DON'T GO SHOPPING ~ HE HAS TO DO IT.  I GO TO WORK AND I'M HOME.  IF HE SHOULD GET ME OUT ~ HE KEEPS ME OUT.  WE TALKED OF HOW THE LAST YEAR (2009) WAS SO HARD ON US AND HOW WE JUST COULDN'T FUNCTION.  WE COULDN'T THINK, WE COULDN'T CONCENTRATE, WE'D FORGET TO PAY BILLS AND WELL ~ JUST DIDN'T CARE EITHER WAY.

     YOU'RE NEVER ''READY'' FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU.  IT'S NOT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN TO YOU.  YOU (AS PARENTS) ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO LOSE A CHILD BEFORE YOU "GO".  WE TOLD 'EM ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU WERE LATE FOR YOUR OWN FUNERAL SERVICE.  HOW BUSINESSES CLOSED SO THEIR EMPLOYEES COULD STAND OUT AT THE ROAD TO PAY THEIR RESPECTS TO SOMEONE THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW...HOW POLITE AND THOUGHTFUL AND RESPECTFUL OF 'EM. 

     WE WERE IN TEARS ~ OF COURSE.  THOUGH PEOPLE HAVE SITUATIONS COME UP IN THEIR LIVES, WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP SAYING "IT COULD BE WORSE" ~ BECAUSE - WELL- WE KNOW WHAT THE WORST IS...AND WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THAT WE ARE MAKING LIGHT OF THEIR SITUATION.  SO, WE DON'T SAY ANYTHING.  ME & YOUR DADDY JUST LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND WE KNOW~

     THIS WAS THE FIRST YEAR THAT TERRY DIDN'T GET TO COME TO THE LAKE HOUSE TO WATCH THE FIREWORK SHOW...JUDY BROKE DOWN AND I LOOKED AT YOUR DADDY - KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING ON, BUT I HAD CALLIE ASLEEP IN MY ARMS, SO HE TURNED TO HUG HER AND LET HER KNOW THAT WE'RE THERE...ALL I COULD DO WAS CRY.  HERE I HAVE A BABY IN MY ARMS AND I'M CRYING AND NOT WANTING TO WAKE HER...HAVING TO HOLD IT IN.  BLESS HER HEART.  (I GOT HER TO SLEEP THE SAME WAY I GOT YOU BOYS TO SLEEP...SITTING UP AND ROCKING BACK & FORTH).  IT WORKED ~ SHE WAS OUT LIKE A LIGHT.

     I WROTE SOMETHING DOWN WHILE I WAS THERE...THINKING - IT'S HARD TO REALLY RELAX.  IT WAS SOMETHING THAT I HOPE TO PUT ON YOUR WEBSITE (S).  I MAY EVEN GIVE IT TO OTHER ANGELS AS WELL...

     ONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAS CROSSED MY MIND IS:  IF WE SHOULD HAVE TO BE GLAD, HAPPY OR THANKFUL THAT YOU ''AREN'T'' HERE ON EARTH ~ IT WOULD BE: WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHERE YOU ARE, WHO YOU ARE WITH, WHAT YOU ARE DOING, IF YOU ARE SAFE & OK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS CRAP THAT'S GOING ON DOWN HERE...ANYMORE. 

     WITH THAT SAID:  WE SURE DO MISS HAVING YOU HERE THOUGH~I MISS SEEING YOU COMING THROUGH THE DOOR AND ME SAYING:  THERE'S J-A-R-R-E-T-T!  HOW WAS YOUR DAY?  THEN, YOU WOULD START ON TELLING HOW YOUR DAY WENT.  GET IN THE SHOWER AND FINISH TELLING IT WHEN YOU GOT OUT.  I MISS YOUR BLUE EYES, YOUR EAR TO EAR SMILE (WITH THOSE STRAIGHT TEETH), YOUR LAUGH, EVEN YOUR SPEED WALK THROUGH THE HOUSE TO GET TO THE DOOR TO GO TO A CALL.

     JUST NEVER KNEW ~ AND NOW THAT WE DO ~ WE HATE IT! 

MISS YOU EACH & EVERY DAY

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

6/30/2010...IT'S BEEN 18 MONTHS TONIGHT SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.  HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED.  FOR EVERYONE-REALLY.  SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THAT ''THE DEATH OF A CHILD'' IS ALL THE SAME AS A DEATH OF ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER, FRIEND, CO-WORKER OR NEIGHBOR.  IT ISN'T.  IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT! 

PEOPLE SEEM TO FORGET THAT AS THE PARENTS WE ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR RAISING AND TAKING CARE OF THE CHILDREN AND WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS WE ARE THE ONES WHO FEEL GUILTY THAT SOMETHING HAPPENED.

WE LIVE WITH THIS EACH & EVERY DAY...24/7.  NOT THEM.  THEY HAVE NO CLUE ~ UNLESS THEY TOO HAVE HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF LOSING A CHILD.  I HAD NO IDEA UNTIL OUR JARRETT RAN HIS LAST CALL. 

IT PUTS YOU IN A DIFFERENT FRAME OF MIND.  YOU SEE THINGS IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT.  YOU THINK DIFFERENTLY.  YOU ARE ULTIMATELY ~ DIFFERENT - NOW.  YOU WILL NEVER BE THAT OLD PERSON YOU ONCE WERE.  YOU MAY LOOK THE SAME, ACT THE SAME, DO THINGS IN THE WAY THAT OTHERS VIEW AS THE SAME...BUT DEEP DOWN - YOU'RE NOT. 

LIKE I SAID IT'S BEEN 18 MONTHS SINCE JARRETT RAN HIS LAST CALL AND I'M JUST NOW HAVING THE FEELING TO ''WANT'' TO DO A FEW THINGS.  PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THE DEATH OF A CHILD REGARDLESS OF THE AGE~IT DRAINS YOU OF YOUR STRENGTH.  YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT AND YOU JUST HAVE TO LET IT TAKE IT'S COURSE.

ONE DAY AT A TIME AND IT'S TAKEN NEARLY 18 MONTHS FOR ME...LIKE I SAID TO EVEN HAVE THE ''WANT'' TO DO SOMETHING. 

WE STILL WANT TO HEAR JARRETT'S NAME.  THOUGH IT MAY BRING TEARS ~ IT'S MUSIC TO OUR EARS.  IT'S A SMILE ON OUR FACE.  IT'S A BEAT IN OUR HEART. 

MISS YOU EACH & EVERY DAY ~ SON...

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS MAMA

6/28/2010...BOY....JUST WORKING ON YOUR SITE ~ PUTING THE GRAPHICS ON AND SEEING YOUR BLUE EYES...HOW THAT ALONE CAN PUT THE LUMP IN MY THROAT, TEARS IN MY EYES AND THEN IT STARTS.  YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DOING OK - AND THEN, A CERTAIN PICTURE OF YOU (THAT YOU TOOK OF YOURSELF) OR A CO-WORKER TOOK, JUST BRINGS IT ALL BACK.  IN FULL FORCE. 

     I JUST STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THE REASON WHY YOU WERE TAKEN.  YOU WERE ONLY 24 AND WILL BE 24 FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M SUPPOSE TO GROW OLD AND NOT SEE YOU GROWING OLDER AS WELL...WHAT YOU WOULD LOOK LIKE AT AGE 30, 35, 40, EVEN 50. 

     I WON'T BE ABLE TO COMPARE YOU TO YOUR BROTHER BECAUSE YOU TWO LOOK NOTHING ALIKE.  THE ONLY THING THAT YA'LL HAD IN COMMON - THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS WAS THE HAIR CUT.  HE TALKED YOU INTO SHAVING YOUR HAIR OFF.  ONCE YOU DID - YOU LIKED IT.  ALL THAT HAIR THAT I WOULDN'T CUT LESS THAN 2 INCHES.  I WISH I WOULD HAVE TAKEN SOME THE NIGHT OF ~ YOUR LAST CALL. 

     SO MANY WISHES..........

MISS YOU!

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

6/20/2010...WENT TO YOUR BILLBOARD AND CUT THE GRASS.  TAKING NOTES ON WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP IT LOOK BETTER~

     MISS YOU! 

LOVE YOU SON~DADDY

6/20/2010...TODAY IS FATHER'S DAY.  YOUR SECOND ONE FOR NOT BEING HERE WITH US.  HOW TIME HAS FLOWN BY ALREADY.  I CAN REMEMBER WHEN BOTH YOU BOYS WERE LITTLE AND WE WOULD HAVE YOUR DADDY'S CARDS ALREADY SIGNED AND I'D COOK BREAKFAST FOR HIM (IF HE DIDN'T WORK THAT MORNING), READY TO GIVE TO HIM.  I RAISED YOU BOYS TO BE ''DADDY'S'' BOYS.  I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE THE STIGMA OF THE ''MAMA'S BOY'' LABEL PUT ON YOU.  THOUGH I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT YOU - JARRETT - WERE STILL A MAMA'S BOY.  YOU WERE MY FIRST BORN AND NOW YOU ARE MY FIRST TO LEAVE~ HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THAT? 

     YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE GETTING MARRIED.  YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE A DADDY.  YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO ''BE THERE'' FOR YOUR BROTHER LIKE WE HAD RAISED YOU BOTH TO BE...TO BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.  (YOU WERE TO LOVE EACH OTHER & NOT TO FIGHT BECAUSE ME & YOUR DADDY WOULDN'T ALWAYS BE AROUND - SO WE THOUGHT.  NEVER SEEN THIS SITUATION COMING!!!)

     YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GO ON ANY MORE CALLS.  YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO WATCH US GROW OLD.  YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO WATCH US ENJOY RETIREMENT.  (I WOULD HAVE RETIRED 12/31/08 - IF I COULD HAVE AFFORDED IT).  YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO WATCH US ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH SEAN'S CHILDREN.  YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO ENJOY REAL LIFE AS YOU ONCE DID - EVER AGAIN - WITH US.  YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO ENJOY MY DOWN HOME COOKING AGAIN.  HOW YOU LOVED THAT! 

     I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE ''STAGES'' THAT WE HAVE TO WALK THROUGH.  IT'S SOMETHING THAT WE HAVE TO DO & WHAT ''OTHER'S'' / ''OUTSIDERS'' DON'T REALIZE IS JUST THAT!  IT'S STAGES AND WE MAY LOOK FINE & ACT FINE - ONE DAY AND THE NEXT~WE'RE FALLING APART. 

     WE FALL APART MORE THAN THEY KNOW / SEE.  BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT THEM TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.  HOW WE'RE STILL LOOKING OUT FOR THEM.  WE'RE STILL HAVING TO DEAL WITH OTHER PERSONAL SITUATIONS AND LIVING EACH DAY TO THE BEST THAT WE CAN - YET, PEOPLE CONTINUE TO WANT US TO GET BACK TO NORMAL. 

     THERE WILL NEVER BE A NORMAL FOR US AGAIN.  WE NOW JUST LIVE MINUTE BY MINUTE, DAY BY DAY.  SOMETHING THAT YOU ALREADY DO...SO, LET US GO THROUGH THESE STAGES AND IF YOU HAVE IT IN YOU ~ BE THERE ~ SHOULD WE NEED TO TALK.

     MISS YOU ~

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

6/17/2010...AS I SIT AND VISIT YOUR SITE, IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE YOU ''HERE'' AND NOT ''HERE AT HOME''.  I CAN HONESTLY FEEL THE LUMP START TO FORM IN MY THROAT AND THE ACHE IN MY CHEST START TO HURT. 

     I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!  WHEN THERE ARE SO MANY ''BAD'' PEOPLE OUT THERE ~

     I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ANOTHER VISIT.  STAY A LITTLE LONGER AND CHIT-CHAT.  I'D LIKE TO HEAR ALL ABOUT YOUR NEW PLACE AND YOUR NEW FRIENDS. 

     MISSING YOU ~ DAILY!!!

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

6/13/2010...JUST HAD ANOTHER LITTLE MEMORY.  I GOT THE LITTLE SAUCE HOLDER OUT OF THE CABINET TO PUT THE SPOON IN AFTER STIRRING MY COFFEE...YOU BROUGHT THAT HOME WITH THE DIPPING SAUCE IN IT FROM WHERE YOU BOUGHT FRIED PICKLES AND THAT'S WHERE WE TESTED AND LIKED THE FRIED PICKLES ~ FROM YOU.  YOU WOULD ALWAYS TRY DIFFERENT THINGS.  WE KNEW THAT IF YOU LIKED IT - IT WAS WORTH TRYING IT OURSELVES.  LET YOU BE THE GINNIE PIG. 

     WE ALSO WENT TO YOUR BILLBOARD TODAY TO WORK AND CLEAN IT UP.  YOUR BIRTHDAY IS NEXT MONTH.  YOUR SECOND ONE IN HEAVEN ~ WHY?  I DON'T KNOW & DON'T UNDERSTAND...

SURE DO MISS YOU !!

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

6/10/2010...YOUR DADDY WAS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD YESTERDAY AND SEEN 3 LITTLE GIRLS TRYING TO SELL LEMONADE ON THE BUSIEST STREET OFF THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SUBDIVISION.  WHEN WE WERE GOING OVER TO YOUR BROTHERS, HE TOLD ME ABOUT IT AND SAID:  WE'LL HAVE TO TELL MIABELLA ABOUT THE BOYS' LEMONADE STAND AND TELL HER WHAT TO DO.  I LAUGHED AND SAID:  AND GIVE HER GREAT-PAPAW'S SECRET LEMONADE RECIPE.  WE BOTH - THEN STARTED TO LAUGH...JUST THINKING BACK TO WHEN HE PULLED UP IN THE DRIVEWAY OF OUR HARKER HOUSE TO SEE YOU & SEAN TRYING TO BUILD YOUR OWN LEMONADE STAND.  IT WAS FUNNY.  THOSE WERE THE DAYS~

MISS YOU!

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

6/9/2010...I VISIT YOUR SITE EACH & EVERY NIGHT (AS LONG AS THE INTERNET EXPLORER WILL LET ME) AND I SEE YOUR BIG SMILE ~ STRETCHING FROM EAR TO EAR.

     IT TAKES ME BACK TO WHEN YOU HAD TO GET BRACES.  THEY WERE WORTH EVERY PENNY PAID ~ BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE DENTAL INSURANCE...SO, THEY DONE THEIR JOB & IT SHOWS WITH EVERY PICTURE THAT YOU'D TAKEN OF YOURSELF WITH THAT EAR T0 EAR SMILE. 

     SURE WISH YOU WERE HERE TO KEEP SMILING AND TAKING PICTURES OF YOURSELF!  MISS YOU EACH & EVERY DAY!

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

6/6/2010...WE'VE BEEN SPLITTING WOOD TODAY.  YOUR DADDY CAUGHT ME IN A DAZE.  WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING?  I WAS THINKING ~ OF COURSE, THE TEARS GAVE IT AWAY AS TO WHAT I WAS THINKING OF:  THE LAST TIME YOU & YOUR DADDY WERE OUT HERE CUTTING / SPLITTING WOOD.  IT WASN'T YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO - THOUGH YOUR DADDY PUTS IT AS:  JARRETT'S FAVORITE THING TO DO ~ ''NOT''!  I WAS WONDERING WHAT YA'LL WERE TALKING ABOUT WHILE YA'LL WERE WORKING.  HE SAID:  FIRE...WHAT ALL WAS GOING ON AT THE TIME.  HE ADDED THAT YOU & YOUR BROTHER WOULD ''GET INTO IT'' ABOUT HOW THE WOOD WOULD BE STACKED.  HE SAID THAT IT WAS PRETTY SMART OF YOU (AT THE TIME) THAT YOU WOULDN'T STACK THE WOOD RIGHT AND THEY WOULD HAVE TO GO BACK AND RE-STACK IT.  (HE LAUGHED) SAYING THAT HE WOULD JUST END UP TELLING YOU TO LEAVE ~ GO & DO WHAT YOU HAD PLANNED (AND THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED...TO BE ABLE TO GO & DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO & NOT BE CUTTING WOOD)...PRETTY SMART HE SAID.

     YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHEN LITTLE THINGS SUCH AS THIS ARE GOING TO BE THE ''LAST TIME'' THAT YOU DO SOMETHING TOGETHER WITH A FAMILY MEMBER. 

     EVERYTHING THAT IS DONE ~ WILL SOMEDAY BECOME A MEMORY FOR SOMEONE. 

     AS I WAS IN MY DAZE ~ I NOT ONLY WAS THINKING OF MY JARRETT, BUT ALL THE OTHER YOUNG PEOPLE THAT ARE NOW ANGELS AS WELL.  SO MANY...SO YOUNG.  SOME KILLED IN CAR WRECKS, WALKING DOWN THE ROAD, RIDING THEIR BIKES, MOTORCYCLES, MURDERED, OUTING ACCIDENTS, PLAYTIME ACCIDENTS, HEALTH RELATED, SWIMMING ACCIDENTS & SUICIDES...WONDERING WHY?  THEN, THINKING OF THEIR FAMILIES THAT ARE LEFT TO ALSO WONDER WHY.  HOW IT'S EFFECTING THEM.  SOME, JUST A FEW MONTHS HAVE PASSED, WHILE OTHERS ~ IT'S BEEN A LITTLE LONGER, YET FOR OTHERS ~ IT FEELS LIKE A LIFE TIME - I'M SURE. 

     I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER HOW THEY HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT THEIR LOVED ONE.  AT THE SAME TIME - I'M IN THEIR SHOES THAT THEY WORE JUST SOME TIME AGO. 

    IT'S A DAY TO DAY STRUGGLE.  YOU GO ABOUT YOUR LIFE, DO WHAT IT IS THAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR THE DAY AND YOUR LOVED ONE IS ON YOUR MIND - 24/7.  THE ONLY TIME THAT THEY MAY NOT BE:  IS WHILE YOU SLEEP - IF YOU SHOULD GET ANY SLEEP AT ALL.

     THE THING ABOUT IT IS ~ YOU TAKE YOUR LOVED ONES FOR GRANTED.  YOU DIDN'T USE TO THINK ABOUT 24/7 WHILE THEY WERE HERE...YOU DID THINK ABOUT 'EM, JUST NOT 24/7...AND NOW THAT THEY AREN'T IN YOUR SIGHT OR CALLING RANGE ~ THEY ARE ON YOUR MIND ALL DAY LONG - EVERY DAY!  YOU CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.  YOUR MIND...IT'S PLAYING WITH YOU. IT'S TORTURING YOU ~ REALLY! 

     THAT'S THE PART THAT THE ''OTHERS / OUTSIDERS'' DON'T SEE OR UNDERSTAND AND THEY JUST TALK AND TALK AND SAY THINGS THAT ARE NEGATIVE AND THINK THAT WE SHOULD BE ''OVER IT'' ALREADY.  THERE'S TIMES WHERE I THINK:  I CAN'T WAIT TIL THIS HAPPENS TO YOU!  WE'LL SEE JUST HOW FAST ''YOU''  GET OVER ''IT''!  THEN, I'M BACK TO THINKING:  I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON MY WORST ENEMY.  YET, STILL ~ I THINK:  THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THAT THEY ARE GOING TO FULLY UNDERSTAND ANY OF WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH.  FOR THEM TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS EXACT SAME PAIN...LIVE IT FOR THEMSELVES.  THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL THEY UNDERSTAND.

     IT'S BEEN 17 MONTHS & 6 DAYS AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE THE TIME HAS GONE.  IT WAS LIKE YOU WERE HERE JUST YESTERDAY - GETTING READY FOR WORK AND LEAVING OUT THE DOOR.  HOW I WISH I COULD TURN BACK TIME. 

     MISSING YOU ~

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

6/6/2010....SO MANY THOUGHTS, SO MANY MEMORIES...WHEN WE GO TO THE LAKE HOUSE~YOU ARE THERE TOO.  (I TAKE YOU WITH US) BUT THE MEMORIES OF YOU RIDING YOUR SEA-DOO, HAVING FUN, TAKING TYLER FOR A RIDE AND LAUGHING AT HIM - ENJOYING HIMSELF AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE.  TEACHING HIM TO FISH - THOUGH HE STILL DOESN'T LIKE TAKING THE FISH OFF THE HOOK.  THESE ARE JUST SOME OF THE MEMORIES THAT PASS THROUGH MY MIND.

     NOTHING IS THE SAME.  NOTHING EVER WILL BE.  WE DO THINGS AND GO ABOUT OUR DAILY LIFE~WHETHER WE WANT TO OR NOT~WE STILL HAVE AN EMPTY SPOT IN US. 

     OUR FAMILY IS NO LONGER COMPLETE.  THOUGH WE HAVE A NEW ADDITION ~ AS BEAUTIFUL AS SHE CAN BE ~ THERE IS STILL A HOLE THAT CAN NEVER BE FILLED.

     THAT'S SOMETHING THAT OTHERS JUST CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND. 

     WE MISS YOU EACH & EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY! 

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

6/2/2010...CAME HOME FOR JUST A DAY~WENT BY YOUR BILLBOARD TO SEE WHAT ALL WE NEED TO DO AND ON OUR WAY TO LEAVING~I FOUND TYLER'S FFF BRACELET THAT HE LOST 5 MO.'S & 2 DAYS AGO ON YOUR 1 YR. ANGELVERSARY.  IT BROUGHT TEARS BECAUSE OF THE REASON OF WHY WE WERE THERE TO START WITH. 

     NO MATTER THE TIME OR DISTANCE BETWEEN US ~ THE TEARS ARE GOING TO BE THERE...READY AND WAITING TO FLOW DOWN MY FACE JUST TO  BREAK THE SILENCE OF WHAT MY HEART FEELS.  I CAN LITERALLY FEEL IT HURT.  THE PAIN THAT NO MOTHER / FATHER SHOULD HAVE TO BE FEELING ~ AND UNFORTUNETLY ~ I DO. 

     MISS YOU,  LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

5/28/2010...I COULDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND WAS HAVING A LOT OF THOUGHTS.  ONE OF THOSE WAS WHEN WE WERE IN OUR HARKER HOUSE.  YOU BOYS WERE WATCHING THE NEWS AND ON IT THEY HAD REPORTED WHERE SOMEONE TOOK THE MONEY THAT A LITTLE GIRL HAD MADE WHILE SELLING LEMONADE ON THE SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE.  YA'LL DIDN'T THINK THAT THAT WAS NICE OF THAT PERSON, YET, YA'LL WANTED TO TRY TO SELL LEMONADE AS WELL. 

     SO, YOU TWO WENT OUTSIDE AND GATHERED UP SOME 2 X 4'S AND LEANED 'EM UP ON THE TAILGATE OF YOUR DADDY'S TRUCK.  WHEN HE CAME HOME, HE WANTED TO KNOW WHAT YA'LL WERE DOING.  SO, WHEN YA'LL TOLD HIM, HE STARTED HELPING IN BUILDING YA'LL'S LEMONADE STAND. 

     YOUR PAW GAVE YOU THE CUPS AND LEMONS TO USE.  HE TOLD YOU HOW TO GET THE ICE FOR FREE.  SO, TO START OUT - IT ONLY COST YOU YOUR TIME TO BUILD THE LEMONADE STAND.

     I STILL HAVE YA'LL'S FIRST DOLLAR THAT YA'LL MADE.  THAT WAS AUGUST ~ 1992.  YOU HAD JUST TURNED 8 YRS. OLD AND YOUR BROTHER HAD JUST TURNED 7.  I WISH I COULD FIND THE PICTURE OF YA'LL BUILDING THE LEMONADE STAND ~ I WOULD ADD IT TO THIS MEMORY PAGE. 

     THOSE WERE THE DAYS AND WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT. 

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

5/26/2010...TODAY-FOR ME MARKS THE 17TH MONTH THAT YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.  IT WAS A WEDNESDAY NIGHT.  HOW I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT DAY OR NIGHT.  SOME THINGS I DO FORGET, BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THAT DAY & NIGHT WILL FOREVER BE IN MY MEMORY.  THE GOOD & THE BAD. 

     I STILL VISIT OTHER YOUNG PEOPLE'S SITE AND CRY~WONDERING HOW THE MOTHERS DO IT.  DAY IN, DAY OUT. HOW ARE THEY SURVIVING???  I AM NOW - GOING TO BE IN THEIR SHOES COME NEXT YEAR, THE FOLLOWING YEAR, THE YEAR AFTER THAT...AND SO ON.  I KNOW I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO DO & LIVE A NORMAL LIFE.  TO KEEP DOING EVERYTHING THAT I ONCE DID WITHOUT A CARE...AND NOW ~ IT'S LIKE I'M CONSTANTLY THINKING OF THE ''WHAT IF'S''...''IF SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN''...IT'S TIRING.  PEOPLE JUST HAVE NO CLUE. 

     WE WATCH AS EVERY DAY PASSES AND PEOPLE GO ON LIVING, DOING, FUSSING, COMPLAINING, DOING THINGS THAT THEY REALLY DON'T THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES TO WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND WE KNOW - WE KNOW - WHAT ONE OF THE CONSEQUENCES COULD / CAN BE.  THEY HAVE NO CLUE! 

     I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY AT THE AGE OF 24.  WHY 24?  WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN 74?  YOU WERE DOING WHAT YOU LOVED DOING.  YOU GAVE IT YOUR ALL!  YOU WERE OUT THERE HELPING STRANGERS...STRANGERS!  RISKING YOUR LIFE AND GOD TOOK IT.  THERE'S NO FIRES IN HEAVEN - SO WHAT WAS HE NEEDING YOU FOR AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE??? 

     I GIVE UP.  I'M TIRED.

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

5/22/2010...HI MY JARRETT, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE'VE CHANGED THE FIRST THING ON THE HOUSE SINCE YOU RAN YOUR LAST CALL.  WE PAINTED THE SHUTTERS ON THE HOUSE.  THEY'RE BLACK NOW.  HOPE THIS DOESN'T CONFUSE YOU WHEN YOU COME TO VISIT.  EVERYTHING ELSE WILL STAY THE SAME. 

     I STILL MISS YOU EACH & EVERY DAY.  I STILL WISH YOU WERE HERE EACH & EVERY DAY.  I STILL LOVE YOU EACH & EVERY DAY.

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

5/14/2010...TODAY IS YOUR BFF'S BIRTHDAY.  SHE'S HURT MY & YOUR DADDY'S FEELINGS ~ AND WE'LL GET OVER IT - EVENTUALLY.  SHE HASN'T CALLED, WRITTEN, EMAILED OR VISITED YOUR SITE ~ WHICH IS UPSETTING TO SAY THE LEAST. 

     WE KNOW IN OUR HEAD - WHO'S AT FAULT, BUT RIGHT NOW ~ IT'S THE HEART THAT'S BROKEN.  LIKE IT ISN'T ALREADY BROKEN ENOUGH.  I GIVE UP.  I'M TIRED OF TRYING AND I'M TIRED OF BEING NICE, DOING THE RIGHT THINGS AND GETTING SHIT ON! 

     I MISS YOU AND WISH YOU WERE HERE NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE SAY ~ HOW GREETY THAT IS OR SELFISH...IF GOD WAS OUT TO PUNISH ME - HE'S DOING A PRETTY GOOD DAMN JOB OF IT. 

     LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS,  MAMA

5/13/2010...TOMORROW IS YOUR BFF'S BIRTHDAY.  HER 2ND ONE WITHOUT YOU HERE.  I THINK SHE'S MOVING ON IN LIFE AS WELL~MAKING CHOICES AND DECISIONS THAT'S HARD ON HER AT THE TIME, BUT ULTIMATELY HAS TO MAKE 'EM. 

     THAT'S WHAT I'M MOST AFRAID OF IS PEOPLE THAT ARE OR ONCE WAS CLOSE TO YOU - FORGETTING YOU.  MY HEART JUST CRYS.  I DON'T SEE HOW THIS HAPPENED TO US.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT - AT ALL!

     I'M SO TORN. 

MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW ~

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

5/9/2010...MY 2ND MOTHERS DAY WITHOUT YOU HERE.  BARELY MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST YEAR.  HAD SO MANY THINGS GOING ON THAT I HONESTLY DON'T REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT LAST YEAR.  IT COMES IN SPURTS AND THEN LEAVES AGAIN.  SOMETIMES I REMEMBER SOME THINGS AS IF IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.  OTHER THINGS, I HAVE TO JUST SIT AND THINK....TRYING TO REMEMBER 'EM.  THE MIND, IT PLAYS WITH YOU.  I VISIT OTHER SITES OF THOSE WHO HAVE PASSED AND I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW THE PARENTS (MAINLY THE MOTHERS) MAKE IT...YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR. 

     IT'S ONLY BEEN 16 MONTHS, 1 WEEK AND 4 DAYS (MY WAY OF COUNTING) AND THERE ARE TIMES THAT IT FEELS LIKE YOUR LAST CALL WAS YESTERDAY.  WE WENT TODAY AND WORKED AT YOUR BILLBOARD (CRASH SITE) AND JUST STOOD THERE LOOKING ~ TRYING TO PICTURE YOU COMING DOWN THE ROAD, NO BRAKES, CUSSING BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY BRAKES, WONDERING WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO DO.  YOU'VE GOT TWO OTHER PEOPLE IN THE TRUCK WITH YOU, THEY AREN'T BUCKLED IN (BECAUSE THEY ARE GEARING UP) AND ALL I CAN THINK IS:  YOU MUST HAVE BEEN SCARED.  I TRIED TO SEE WHAT YOU WERE SEEING WHILE COMING DOWN THE ROAD.  YOUR OPTIONS WERE:  GO STRAIGHT AND CRASH HEAD ON INTO THE EMBANKMENT AND CRUSH THE FRONT END OF THE TRUCK IN ON YOU AND MATT OR DO WHAT YOU DID AND CUT THE CORNER / CURVE AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.  YOU TOOK THAT ROUTE ~ BECAUSE THE OTHER OPTION YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT WAS TO GO INTO THE OTHER LANE (ON COMING IN A CURVE) AND I KNOW YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GO AGAINST WHAT YOU WERE TRAINED TO DO.  EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE IN EMERGENCY MODE, LIGHTS GOING - YOU WEREN'T SURE IF THERE WOULD BE ANY ON COMING VEHICLES AND DIDN'T WANT TO RISK IT.  SO, I STOOD THERE THINKING ~ YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO.  YOU JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT "YOU" WOULDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH IT. 

     IF YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ON OUR END OF THIS - THAT NIGHT.  WE HAVE SCANNERS IN EVERY ROOM.  WE HAD JUST GOTTEN HOME FROM SOME FRIENDS HOUSE THAT WERE HAVING A NEW YEARS EVE GATHERING.  WE WERE JUST TALKING OF YOU & YOUR BROTHER.  DOING THE FIREFIGHTING THING.  THAT WE HAD JUST SPENT HALF THE DAY WITH YOU AT YOUR NEW STATION.  CLEANING AND COOKING YOU DINNER.  NOT REALLY FEELING LIKE STAYING ANY LONGER, WE LEFT.  GOT HOME AND TURNED THE SCANNER UP A LITTLE.  GOT READY FOR BED AND HEARD THE TONES GO OFF.  IT WAS FOR STATION 2.  NO RESPONSE.  IT SOUNDS AGAIN.  NOTHING.  ON THE 3RD TIME - YOU GET ON THERE AND ASK FOR PERMISSION TO RESPONED.  YOU GET THE OK AND YOU'RE 'EN-ROUTE.  THE NEXT THING WE HEAR IS:  SOMEONE ELSE'S VOICE COME ACROSS THE SCANNER SAYING THAT ENGINE 6 HAS BEEN IN A WRECK.  THERE'S ENTRAPMENT.  KENNY JUMPS UP AND SAYS THAT'S NOT JARRETT.  IT SHOULD BE JARRETT TALKING.  HE SAID: THEY'VE HAD A WRECK.  I SAID: NO, THEY CAME UPON A WRECK.  HE YELLED NO....IT'S NOT GOOD!  THAT'S NOT HIM.  HE - HIMSELF WAS DOING THE RAPID DRESS AND TOLD ME TO STAY AND LISTEN - TO TRY TO HEAR YOU COME ACROSS THE SCANNER.  I GRABBED MY PHONE AND CALLED YOUR BROTHER.  TOLD HIM THAT YOU HAD HAD A WRECK.  THAT YOUR DADDY WAS ON THE WAY AND TOLD HIM WHERE IT WAS.  ALL I HEARD WAS THE PHONE DROP.  I YELLED YOUR BROTHERS NAME OVER AND OVER AGAIN.  THEN, HIS MOTHER IN LAW PICKS IT UP AND ASKS WHAT WAS WRONG.  THAT SEAN JUST TOOK OFF AND I HAD TO REPEAT EVERYTHING.  I GOT DRESSED AND STOOD THERE.  WAITING & WAITING TO HEAR YOU - BUT NOTHING.  THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN - SO MANY TONES WERE GOING OFF - I COULDN'T MAKE HEADS OR TALES OUT OF 'EM.  DIDN'T KNOW WHO'S STATION WAS BEING TONED OUT!  EVEN LIFE FORCE WAS PUT ON STAND BY.  I KNEW THEN - I HAD TO GO.  I WENT TO A NEIGHBORS HOUSE AND WHEN HE OPENED THE DOOR, I JUST STARTED CRYING - ASKED IF HE COULD TAKE ME - THAT YOU WERE RESPONDING TO A CALL AND HAD A WRECK.  BY THE TIME HE GOT DRESSED, YOUR DADDY CALLED ME AND TOLD ME TO COME STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL.  I COULD HAVE WALKED FASTER TO GET THERE.  THAT WAS THE SLOWEST CAR RIDE I'VE EVER HAD.  WANTING AND NEEDING TO GET TO YOU AS FAST AS I COULD AND THE NEIGHBOR JUST SLOW- ASS POKES ALONG.  PULLED UP TO GET OUT & YOUR BROTHER COMES OVER AND SHAKES HIS HEAD NO....HUGS ME AND SAYS YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT.  I LOOK AROUND AND I SEE ALL THESE PEOPLE - WHO WERE ALREADY THERE BEFORE ME !!!  ALL BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE THE DAMMED SLOWEST RIDE OF ALL TIMES.  HOW I FAILED YOU!  I COULDN'T EVEN GET THERE FAST ENOUGH.  (YOU KNOW THAT OLD SAYING:  IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT - DO IT YOURSELF!) I HOPE THAT THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN - BUT, I'LL DRIVE MYSELF THE NEXT TIME!

     THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS THAT CROSS MY MIND - JUST ABOUT ON A DAILY BASIS.  THOUGH LIFE HAS CONTINUED - BECAUSE IT HAS TOO...MY MIND IS FOREVER THINKING OF JARRETT AND ALL THE WHAT IF'S, HOW COME AND WHY'S.  I'VE NEVER THOUGHT THAT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE OTHER TWO FIREFIGHTERS.  NEVER! 

     THE ONE THING THAT WE CAN BE THANKFUL FOR ~ IF WE SHOULD "HAVE" TO BE THANKFUL FOR LOSING HIM...IS THAT:  JARRETT LOVED WHAT HE WAS DOING AND ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.  THE FIRE CHIEF SAID THAT HE HAD JUST VISITED WITH JARRETT THAT MORNING AND HE HAD A SMILE FROM EAR TO EAR AND SAID HE WAS READY FOR IT ~ THE NEW WORK SCHEDULE AND BEING AT THE NEW STATION.  HE WAS HAPPY. 

      KNOWING THAT YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE - EACH & EVERY TIME YOU PULL OUT OF THE STATION.  NOT KNOWING IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE BACK OR NOT.  BUT YOU LOVED IT! 

     THAT'S WHAT HELPS US...KNOWING THAT JARRETT LOVED IT WITH EVERYTHING THAT HE HAD IN HIM. 

     FOR THE PAST YEAR, WE'VE HAD TO FIGHT FOR HIS RIGHT AS A ''SINGLE'' STATE OF GA. EMPLOYEE.  THE STATE OF GA. HAS A BENEFIT PACKAGE AND THE LAW WAS CHANGED TO WHERE ONLY MARRIED STATE OF GA. EMPLOYEES WHO PASS AWAY - THEIR FAMILY OR THEIR CHILDREN WILL RECEIVE THAT PACKAGE.  IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY...IT'S THE FACT THAT JARRETT ( & OTHERS) DO THIS JOB WITHOUT THINKING THAT THEY SHOULD BE MARRIED FIRST - BEFORE SAVING SOMEONE OR THEIR PROPERTY. 

     I MISS YOU AND WISH SO MUCH THAT THIS DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.....  MY HEART IS BROKEN AND WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! 

     I LOVE YOU MY JARRETT  ALWAYS, MAMA

4/28/2010...JUST ANOTHER UPDATE.  KENNY JUST GOT A PHONE CALL TELLING HIM THAT ''THE HOUSE'' PASSED THE PROPOSED AMENDMENT TO THE CURRENT LAW THAT DENIED US YOUR BENEFIT PACKAGE.  IT NOT ONLY DENIES US YOUR PACKAGE, BUT IT DENIES OTHER STATE OF GA. EMPLOYEES FAMILIES THEIR RIGHT TO THE BENEFIT PACKAGE SHOULD SOMETHING HAPPEN TO THEM.

WE DON'T EXPECT THE GOVERNOR TO SIGN IT INTO LAW.  WE WILL CONTINUE THIS FIGHT FOR THE SINGLE STATE OF GA. EMPLOYEE...THEY HAVE RIGHTS TOO.  THE GOVERNOR SHOWED HIS TRUE COLORS EARLIER THIS YEAR AND HE CAN KISS MY ~~~. 

MY LIFE WAS MY BOYS! EVERYTHING THAT I'VE DONE - I'VE DONE FOR THEM.  THIS IS NO DIFFERENT!  YOU'RE NOT HERE AND I STILL HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO AS A MOTHER. 

MISS YOU ~

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA

4/28/2010...JUST AN UPDATE ON THE PROPOSED AMENDMENT TO THE LAW THAT DENIED US JARRETT'S BENEFIT PACKAGE FROM THE STATE OF GEORGIA.

     SENATOR JEFF MULLIS IS QUOTED AS SAYING: "WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE A RIGHT OUT OF A WRONG".  REPRESENTATIVE JAY NEAL IS QUOTED AS SAYING:  "THE BILL IS ANTICIPATED TO BE VETOED BY GOVERNOR SONNY PERDUE". 

     WE HAVE YET TO HEAR FROM SENATOR MULLIS HIMSELF.  HE HASN'T RETURNED ANY OF KENNY'S PHONE CALLS.  HE'S NOT MADE ANY ATTEMPT TO CONTACT US TO TELL US ANY INFORMATION WHAT-SO-EVER.  WE HAVE TO FIND ALL THESE THINGS OUT ON OUR OWN - THROUGH OUR OWN CONTACTS.

     WE FEEL THAT MR. MULLIS IS DOING THIS AS A POLITICAL MOVE.  HIS SEAT IS UP FOR ELECTION AND I'M SURE HE'D LIKE TO STAY IN IT.  AS FOR THE GOVERNOR SONNY PERDUE, HE CAN'T RUN FOR ANOTHER TERM - THANK GOODNESS!  IF HE COULD - I WOULD HAVE TO GET ME A 2ND JOB JUST TO BE ABLE TO TAKE OUT A FULL PAGE AD TO LET THE PUBLIC KNOW JUST HOW HE TREATED ME IN OUR JANUARY 7TH, 2010 MEETING IN ATLANTA.  HOW HE SHOWED HIS TRUE COLORS - HE WAS RUDE!  HE'S AN ASS AND THAT'S BEING NICE.

     MISS YOU ~

LOVE YOU MY JARRETT ALWAYS, MAMA